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Personal training

June 22, 2012

Although I can’t currently attend the gym, I guess I can still write about it here. Anyway, I mentioned when I signed up that I was due two free personal training sessions, and get them I did. I organised one soon after joining the gym, and was told the guy they’d ascribed to me would get in touch soon.

A day or so later a guy called, and we arranged my first session. I was expecting him to ask what I wanted to get out of the gym, my goals and so on, and an induction to the gym and a look around. To this day I don’t know where the sauna is.

So yeah, what I did get was, an incredibly punishing workout. I told the guy numerous times that I’d never really done any training before, but it fell on deaf ears. He had me doing circuits of squats, star jumps, all that shit, then moved on to swinging some heavy disc around the place, before a load of pull-ups. The trainer had a background in boxing, and he had me put gloves on and throw feeble punches at pads he was holding too. When I literally turned green he finally stopped the madness and allowed me to catch my breath, before getting me to do some pressups.

This was not what I had in mind and it wasn’t what I wanted. I still didn’t know what an adductor machine was. The guy clearly wanted me to be good at the same boxing fitness he was interested in, and didn’t seem to care that I was a deeply shallow man who just wanted to look better in swimming shorts.

Because I’m a coward, I asked the reception bloke if next time, I could have a different trainer who’d be a bit more tailored to what I wanted.

A day later, the trainer called me and asked why he wasn’t doing my next session, and told me that they “couldn’t” swap me to someone else because he’d been signed up for both my sessions. I don’t know if they work on commission, or what.

My next session was more of the same. I told the guy I couldn’t afford to carry on training with him after the free sessions, and he said he’d make me a programme I could follow three days a week. I said ok, great, and arranged to meet him later in the week to go through it.

I arrived at 6pm on the day and he wasn’t at the gym. He text me later on and said he’d email me the programme, but he never did.

So, yeah. Personal training at Fitness First, not that good.

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One Comment
  1. Ciars permalink

    Hi Rich, it’s me Ciaran from the internet.
    I’m no personal trainer, but I am a big fella, and as such I’m qualified to teach you how to get bigger.

    Here’s how I did it:

    1) Stop doing stuff – exercise makes you thin. Try doing six hours per day of sitting on the couch.
    I can easily do twelve hours these days, but it’s not easy. It makes you feel bad, like any good workout should.

    2) Red wine – “but I don’t like red wine”. Don’t worry, you will. It’s literally addictive.
    Starting on Monday, try drinking one bottle a night for five days. Your innards will be in constant motion after this cycle, so you should probably go out and drink some beer.

    3) Never cook anything – eat pizzas and stuff. Have it delivered preferably. You are allowed to heat things up under this regime, but only in the microwave.
    If you really have to cook something, don’t. Even if it’s something very fatty and bad for you, it will only lead you towards bad habits, and eventually you’ll find yourself cooking something with garlic and stuff in it.

    You won’t see results over night with this system, Rich. It’s hard work and will often make you feel sad.
    But if you persevere for a few months, you’ll start to see real gains.

    Best of luck.

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